My cousin Winnie

My cousin Winnie Lai Fai was the most good natured and even tempered person I've ever met. We lived in the same house for several years when we were children, and a distinct memory I had of that period of time was the frequent banging of the bathroom door, and people shouting " LaiFai, is that you in the bathroom ?? What are you doing in there?" And Lai Fai would emerge a little while later to explain sheepishly " I was washing a handkerchief" " What handkerchief takes an hour to wash ?!" The single bathroom served the whole extended family, (there's a squat toilet at the end of the yard but you can't wash in there) and whenever Lai Fai entered it people would quip, " She's doing embroidery in there again!". Winnie Lai Fai the Slow Coach was the butt of jokes of everybody, even the maid. "Slow" became her trademark, and she got a lot of criticisms and disparaging remarks ( mind you, all from the grown-ups) because of it, but she never got mad, in fact, I've never seen her lose her temper ever. So I was bowled over when we were in a hotel while travelling in China a few years back , and she  took less than 20 minutes in the bathroom to finish her ablution! I nearly fell out of my bed. " Winnie, that was quick! What happened? Did you wash?"  " Yes, I am different now" She flashed her classic toothy grin proudly. But during the tour she still walked slow, or maybe it's just I walked fast, and I noticed that she was always looking for a bench to sit on. In hindsight that could be about the time her anaemia disease started, though she looked healthy enough. Maybe she herself didn't know at that time either.   *********************************************************************** We saw a lot less of each other after my immediate family moved out of the family home, then no contact at all for the next 15 years while we pursued our separate studies abroad. We met up again in San Francisco after my parents' immigration to the US in the 1990s. For 2 people of completely different temperament, we got on surprisingly well. I put it down to 2 factors: 1) we both love food; 2) she never preached Christianity to me. Plus I was extremely grateful that she was so good to my whole family: she'd always have time to have dinner with my parents whenever I visited them, and she was the sole representative on the groom's side at my brother Keith's wedding. To be fair, I was not notified or otherwise I probably would have attended too. Winnie was also the one to take my nephews around San Francisco when they visited from England. There you have it, Winnie's always been the lubricant between people, a reassuring presence even to relative strangers, making them feel comfortable and welcomed, and that's a wonderful gift.  *********************************************************************** Of all my cousins, apart from Emily Tai Mui, Winnie was the one I spent the most time with. Whenever I visited my parents in the US, we'd meet up a few times; she'd buy dinner then I'd buy dinner, (so we're square, but actually it's just an excuse for more eating), and of course there's the mini tours around San Francisco. I remember the first year she got her car, I was the unwitting idiot who agreed to accompany her while she practised her driving. She was being adventurous and took me on a long drive to a small island connected to the mainland by a bridge, because of some nice little gift shops there that she wanted to visit. The weather was foul, cold and rainy, even worse, at times foggy, so much so it was a miracle we got there safely. Then we had to watch the time to get back because Winnie didn't want to drive after dark. When we were ready to go, Winnie reversed the car instead of moving forward and hit a curb ( not the first time that day!), she was about to get out to check the tires when I spotted a small gang of teenage boys on roller skates coming our way, and they didn't look friendly." Don't get out of the car!" I screamed." Go! Go! Go!" Winnie responded with unbelievable alacrity and we sped off. The Slow Coach was High Speed Rail that day! *********************************************************************** Winnie loved little gift shops, because she was the Queen of Small Gifts. Each time I was in San Francisco and each time she was in HK, she'd always have a small gift for me. A small ornament, some souvenirs she's picked up during a museum tour, a bar of soap, a tube of hand cream........ there's always something, even though I've told her a million times not to. That day she bought some bookmarks, greeting cards and some knick-knacks from the nice little shops. " I always keep a stash of small gifts at my place" she said " there're newcomers to the church all the time, and I like to give them a welcoming gift" That's why she's the Queen of Small Gifts!  *********************************************************************** Another gift Winnie was happy to give was driving the elderly parishioners to and fro from home and church, and that's the main reason she's kept her car. With age, Winnie's become more timid in her driving, and for a long time she's been very uncomfortable going on the highway. Luckily most church goers lived within the district. *********************************************************************** Winnie loved to try new restaurants, and I was most happy to accompany her, with the result we had some delightful meals together in various elegant eating places about town. She seemed to have a  particular liking for the Cheesecake Factory, where we were repeat customers several times over. However she's also loyal to the neighborhood restaurants dotted about where she lived, and where she had most of her meals. The little Thai restaurant was one of her favorites, and I concur, it's good! Winnie's also a good travelling companion, she didn't complain much and didn't have strong opinions. The longest road trip we did was probably the one to visit Big Aunt in Michigan, but we also did many short trips visiting cousins in adjoining counties in the US, and much later, trips to see her mum. Winnie loved her mum dearly; Auntie was a truly remarkable lady ~ the last time I saw her she was already 90 years old, but had just started taking classes in both Japanese and Spanish at the Aged Home at the same time!  *********************************************************************** In the last dozen years Winnie had been to Asia every year or every other year, to do voluntary work for a few weeks each time, so that she could make enough merit points to keep her job. She's made repeated visits to Vietnam and Shanghai, and usually when she's over this way she'd make a stopover in Hong Kong. " What do you actually do in Shanghai?" I was curious. " I teach the students English" " You're kidding me!" I was incredulous." Students in Shanghai speak better English than students in Hong Kong!" Talking about schools, Winnie was very proud of her secondary school - Good Hope, 德望學校, and rightly so, it's ranked 3rd in the Top 100 secondary schools in Hong Kong. But I don't think Winnie cared about that, she was just chuffed to have been to a good school in Hong Kong at a time when such places were harder to get than the lottery.  *********************************************************************** On the surface Winnie appeared to be worry free, she was always smiling, calm and collected, so it was a shock when she told me there was a time when she was terribly unhappy at work. Some years back she was appointed a new boss, a Filipino woman who was insecure about her job because she didn't have her US citizenship yet. She took a real dislike to Winnie whom she perceived to be a threat, and proceeded to pick faults with her, and the bullying was intense. This went on for over a year, but Winnie took it in her stride with her usual meek compliance. It never occurred to her that she should stand up for herself and fight back. Then one day Winnie found her boss crying in the office and asked if she could help." My mum's had a stroke back home in the Philippines" her boss said bitterly " you must be so happy because now I've to go back to see her and might not come back!" Winnie comforted her and spent much time showing her concern. Her boss never did come back but they parted cordially. The boss even apologized for her previous bad behavior. Winnie was most happy not because the bully's gone, but because her endurance and goodwill had triumphed over hate and prejudice.  *********************************************************************** It's obvious Winnie had her unique way of being, and her singular brand of life philosophy ~ "the meek shall inherit the earth" ~prevails. Because of her constancy and unfailing affection and support towards all, it could just be too easy for people to take her for granted. I count myself blessed to have her in my life for so many years. I learnt a lot from her: her patience, humility, sincerity, simplicity, generosity, and not least, her love for her friends and family. My cousin Winnie was an exceptional human being. ********************************************************************** On the 10th June, 2023, 3AM San Francisco time, the cosmic plates shifted. Now there's one less place at our table, but one more star in the sky.

In memorial of Second Aunt

So sorry to hear the news of Second Aunt, deepest condolences!! I'm glad I managed to see your mum for the last time during my layover in LA in May, she was just as I always remembered her, for even in her sick bed she was in total control of how she wanted to live and die, and that's admirable, not to mention a brilliant show of power so rarely found in the elderlies, as most are stripped of all autonomy in their advanced years. This is of course also a tribute to you all, her children, for respecting and honoring her wishes. As a child I was always awed by Second Aunt's sharp wit, but her dry sense of humor did always make me smile, and I loved that she was a straight talker, forthright and fearless. During the lean years of the 1960s, Second Aunt was the quintessential matriarch presiding over a retail shop in Kowloon City, but what impressed me most was that she had no qualms to stoop to be a street hawker as well, as I came upon her one day, spreading a blanket on the roadside in Lion Rock Road (獅子石道), and loaded it with a pile of clothes, to boost more sales. Whatever it took to feed a large family! Her pragmatism, ingenuity and entrepreneur spirit stayed with me to this day. I count myself lucky to have come from a family of strong women, all my aunts (and my mum too) were fighters, down to earth , hardworking, ready "to eat bitter", smart, resourceful, yet also warm hearted, and all had a strong sense of family; they're the archetypal Chaozhou (潮州) women, the best role model any girl growing up could ever hope to find. Take care ! We've got some pretty big shoes to fill!